Breaking News!!! White House Press Release Regarding the Recent Events by Barak Hussein Obama
I want to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to my man Hasan. We're hanging in there with you, buddy. Thanks for your many years of commitment to the US Armed Forces. We, the American people, take full responsibility for your mental breakdown due to our mistreatment of you and our incorrect classification as Islam as a religion of violence, G-d forbid. We know that you must have killed all those innocent people in the name of peace and due to our failure to become culturally sensitive to Islamic Shariya and our failure to recognize the holiness and purity of honor killings, mutilation of females, pushing improperly dressed women into burning buildings, and the killing and dismembering of your ememies, not to mention the holy mission of your freedom fighters, who some mistakenly call "suicide bombers." As you have been told already by our mutual friend Rahm, no charges will be filed against you now or in the future (G-d forbid). We wish you a full and speedy recovery. When you feel up to it, I am personally inviting you to the White House to sit down with me for a beer to discuss your ideas for the future of the Middle East. Be well and as you so beautifully stated a few days ago, "Allah U'Akbar".